Genesis (the beginning)

It seems now like not that long ago that I was starting up a blog to let people know what was happening with my preparation for and life in Honduras...

I've been working at camp for the last year and a half. Camp has always been a safe harbor for me. I've definitely had my ups and downs there, but it was somewhere I could always count on where there were people that I loved and trusted to love me back.

When I lived in Honduras before, I taught school in the mornings, and was home by early afternoon, when I then spent the rest of the evening alone. My schedule went like this: 7am to 3pm at school, 3pm to 6pm take afternoon nap, 6pm to 2am sit alone on internet or reading or whatever, 2am to 6am sleeping... Rinse and repeat. On more than one occasion I went from Friday afternoon at school to Monday morning at school without seeing another person. I was fortunate to have internet access which allowed me to communicate with people back "home" via Skype or facebook, but it wasn't the same as having a real person there.

This led to a lot of depression which I managed to avoid the worst of by filling my mind with nonsense until I was too tired to think when I laid down to sleep at night. Then I didn't lay awake and realize how bad I was. Maybe not the best or recommended method for dealing with depression, but it kept me going long enough to return to a summer at camp.

That summer was filled with the usual craziness of summer, and as my flight date to return to Honduras approached, more and more fear. At some point it grew into something more like terror. I had finally started to process my time spent in Honduras and realized how bad I had been and wondered if I could survive another year there without killing myself.

So, I changed my mind at the last second (I bought a return ticket hours before I left the States) and got full time position at camp. I went to Honduras last year for 3 weeks because I had already paid for two weeks of Spanish school and because I had a lot of stuff I had left that I wanted to get and take care of. I probably gave over half of it away either to friends and mission groups, and I returned to the safety of camp to lick my wounds.

At camp, we have a high ropes course with 30 and 40 foot levels with "elements" going out from the center platform. I am trained as a facilitator, and mainly worked on the ground, hooking people in and giving them directions on how to scale the cargo net. For some people, just getting off the ground is terrifying, so I frequently have had talks with them about fear. I would tell them "It's ok to be afraid, but you can't let that fear stop you from accomplishing your goals. If you let fear stop you here on the course, how much more will you let fear stop you in real life?" Maybe one of those times I should have listened to myself. I allowed my fear to rule my life, rather than ruling over my fear and letting the Lord guide my steps.

The church I attend now is truly Spirit-led. A couple weeks ago, Pastor and his wife extended worship because God wanted them to give everyone a hug so they could feel the tangible love of God. I was coming off of a rough weekend between having faced the first major holiday without my grandma, putting my dog down the following day, and dealing with unnecessary drama post break-up, so I was definitely in need of a hug and God's love.

Despite all of what I was feeling and thinking about and dealing with, God had something else to address with me. After a good long hug, the pastor's wife told me what God was telling her to tell me. "This is just the tip of the iceberg of what He has for you. He wants you to do it afraid."

"Do it afraid."

She asked me if that meant anything to me, and I started crying as I nodded. I knew He wanted me to return to Honduras. I asked Him (still held in her warm embrace) how I could return with so much fear, and He said He would be going with me. He would be at my side as He always had been, and I knew then as I had knew (but refused to admit) before: He was with me all along, but I walked away from Him and into depression and fear. Before I finished asking Him for more confirmation that that's what He wanted me to do, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, something somewhat rare in the States but that happens all the time in Honduras. It was the confirmation I needed for that moment.

I decided to not tell anyone what I felt He had called me to until I had prayed about it more and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that is what He had for me. So, I spent the rest of the next week in prayer about Honduras and by the following Sunday I not only had absolute peace about it, I was excited to return and was aching from being separated from Honduras.

I sent an email that day to a school in Copan, the beautiful little mountain town where I had attended Spanish school last year. I feel in love with the town that was quiet and small. It was safe to walk around alone, even at night, and the school I applied at was one a friend had worked at before, so I knew there was a lot of community to be had there from what she said.

They had an opening that they told me about the next day, for a high school math and science teacher. I sent them my resume and also sent a facebook message to the director at the school I was at in San Pedro Sula (SPS) letting her know I was returning to Honduras because I never should have left. She wished me luck in getting the position in Copan and also told me there was an open door in SPS if I wanted it.

That night, I told my small group I was leaving and they prayed for me. Despite not knowing me well, the guy who prayed for me spoke things over me that I had been struggling with that I didn't mention, and I was so grateful to God for speaking over me once again through someone who didn't know me well, which proved to me even more it was Him. One of the leaders then gave me another word from the Lord: "He's given you all green lights until He gives you a red... But you're so connected with Him right now that you'll know what the red light is when you see it, so just go for it."

The next day I asked God what the next step is, and He told me to buy a plane ticket, so I did, still not sure if I had a job or a place to stay and with only 24 days until I got on a plane. It was an exhilarating leap of faith: jumping without knowing where I was going to land. I still don't know and now I'm 18 days away from take-off.

I had a phone interview on Friday with the school in Copan. They need someone to teach Life Science, Biology, Algebra, and Geometry for a few classes ranging in grades 7 through 10. Although I went to college for applied sciences and love algebra, I didn't do so well in high school geometry. So, if they can find someone with an actual degree who wants that position, they may hire them instead, or have someone else teach the math classes while I get the two science classes. If I'm not able to get a position there, I can still take a position in SPS. Both schools also provide housing, so either way it won't be an issue.

While I wait to hear back from the schools, I am continuing to stay in prayer and beginning to pack to once again leave everything I know to follow God into the unknown. When I got the initial email from the first school offering a position beginning January 6th, I freaked out for quite a while. Although I wanted to go to Honduras at that point, it was still feeling like something distant... Maybe I'd move there right away, but more likely I'd wait til next fall... Then I got the email, and it went from this dream and nudging from God into a very real reality. I felt God smiling down at me in my fit of excitement and nervousness, and He asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure. I said yes, and was reminded of the scene from Aladdin when Aladdin is on the magic carpet and reaches out his hand to Jasmine asking "Do you trust me?" She didn't know what to expect, but she knew she could trust him and was ready for an adventure.

So.... That's about it, then. I'm still a little afraid, but I'm not going to let that fear stop me because I know God is with me and I know that if I remember that He's by my side, I'll never be lonely. I know now that I can choose to walk in depression or in joy. I can be sad or I can rejoice. The circumstances around me don't have to dictate how I'm feeling because I'm not of this world.

Please be praying for me as I prepare to leave that God's will will be done, that I will get the right position at the right school. Pray that as I pack, God will guide me in what I need to bring, sell, and give away. Pray that as I work on selling off all my rabbits and my goat, He will provide buyers. Pray that as I finish up my time at camp, I will finish strong and get things set up well for those who are taking over my responsibilities with the animals. Pray that I will continue to grow closer to the Lord as He prepares me for this great adventure.